The Life and Times of Darth Vader
by Captain Cutlas
Summary: Follow Darth Vader throughout his day. Read this humorous fic and you won't be displeased!
1. Prologue

This is a paraody on Star Wars. If you didn't know, I'm a huge Darth Vader fan. I don't own Stars Wars or it's charactor's, but it's safe to say, Darth Vader owns my hearts. oo Hahahahahaha! Here it is. Laugh lots.

The Life and Times of Darth Vader

The red glow of an alarm clock sliced the thick black of an unnaturaly quiet room. The seconds ticked by counting down to 7am. A large mass near the clock shifted in it's slumber. A slow, deliberate wheeze was barely audible from beneath mounds of baby blue blankets.

"GOOD MORNING! WELCOME BACK TO THE GALAXIES' ONLY COCK FIGHTING STATION! CALL IN TO GET TICKETS TO OUR NEXT ROOSTER BANANZA! YOU'LL-"

A large metal hand slammed down onto the alarm clock. Pieces of plastic flew every where and circuits oozed a smooth blue liquid. The lump moved about slowly, a groggy moan escaped between the blanets.

"It's too early...I don't wanna get up!" A deep voice full of menace erupted from the bedding's many folds and the man clapped his hands turning on the lights. The spacious room was fille instantly with the bright glow. A large window stretched across one wall to show the stars and distant planets in space.

Darth Vader slipped out of bed. He stood tall, dangerous. No man or machine would dare take him on! He is a marvel of both worlds and untouchable. Scratching his metalic ass, he gave a long yawn. It was time for another day of Storm Trooper bullying, Emperor butt kissing and of course, taking his shitzu Waffles out for a walk!

Oh yea. What do you think? Just a tiny bit to entice you. Hohoho! Don't worry though I have more. I just gatta scadadle. I do volunteer work at the Ferret City Shelter so I must be off now!


	2. Episode 1

Oh great sandwiches! I'm typing up another chapter! This soon? Hoho! Vader is in my soul I say! Read now!

The Life and Times of Darth Vader

Episode 1: The Magnet Menace

"I'm singin' in the rain! SINGIN' IN THE RAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIN!" The splash of running water could be heard from Vader's private bathroom. Steam slowly escaped from beneath the door. Waffles, Darth Vader's trusted pooch, barked and howled along with its' master's deep baraton voice.

Abruptly the water stopped. Waffles wagged his little shaved tail excitedly. After much shuffling Vader emerged looking quit ominous with the billows of steam waffing around him. The whole scene was off set by the fluffy pink towel wrapped tightly around Vader's metal waist, the clear plastic shower cap pulled tight over his helmet and the tooth brush in his hand.

With a rasp and a wheeze, Vader looked down, "Good morning, Waffles! Who's daddy's baby! You are!" Waffles leapt up and down pawing at Vader's knees.

Whipping off his towel Vader grabbed some shoe polish and began brushing his helmet. A spotless, black helmet always stricks fear in the minions. He made sure to get those hard to reach places as well. Emperor Sidious was very strick about personal hygene. Waffles licked his butt without shame.

Grabbing his cape, Vader strapped it on with the ever present wheeze of his respirator still at it. He scooped up his best friend and slapped Waffles against the mouth of his helmet, making kissy noises as he did so.

"I'm off to enslave the galaxy now, baby! Be a good boy! I'll walk you later." And with that he stomped out of his room.

The halls were unusually quiet to Darth Vader this day. No Storm Trooper came rushing by and now cowering subodinates tried to avoid his expressionless stares. Quit unusual indeed.

_ Ziiip_! _Fwoof_! Vader stopped his purposeful march and looked around. Silence. Shrugging it off he continued. Second later he heard it again. _Ziip_! _Fwoof_! Now he was sure something was up. He took a good long look around the hall. It was dead silent except for his breathing. He walked a little faster this time. The clicking of his heavy metal boots echoing down the hall.

_ Ziip_! _Fwoof_! "Hee hee hee..."

Now he knew he heard it...and giggling? Spinning around Vader lifted a gloved hand, "Who is there! Come out now or face the wrath of a Sith Lord!" No reply...

_ Ziip_! _Fwoof_! "Hee hee hee..." Vader turned around in time to see some Storm Troopers disappear around a corner.

"I'll get you pesky brats!" He shook his fist and angrly stormed off the the bridge. When he got there all the busy little humans stopped to stare at him, even the commanders"

"What? Is there something in my air ducts?" He was getting very annoyed now.

A brave leautinant stepped up, reached over to Lord Vader and peeled off a fridge magnet. He held it up for Vader to see.

"STORM TROOOPERS!"

Oh hahahaha! Yes, good, good. I love shitzus. So I gave my love, Vader, one. It's based off my friend's mom's dog. oo Pheebee. Blake's, mom's, dog Pheebee...Yes...


	3. Episode 2

For those one or two of you who read my stories and await updates, I have good news! I'll be posting many more stories and new chapters! But why you ask? When I never update and barely add chapters...Well, I'm quitting smoking. I find myself writting more to ignore them pesky cravings! So while I suffer from the addiction I gave myself, you can find enjoyment and pleasure in my stories! Yay!

The Life and Times of Darth Vader

Episode 2: Graffiti Wars

After Darth Vader rid himself of the humiliating magnets, he made hast to the docking bay where the juvenile Troopers had been spotted last. He could feel the Dark Side swelling up within his chest. Flexing his mechanical fingers, he allowed himself a grom smile from beneath his mask. _They would pay!_

When he burst into the docking bay, he found the Storm Troopers with paint smeared all over their uniforms. The walls were graffitied with blasphemis words and pictures. They frooze like deer caught in the head lights of a pod racer when Vader made his presence known with a loud wheeze.

Two hours later...Emperor Sidious finished applying his age defying wrinkle cream. He pinched his flabby cheeks happily while winking at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Skipping over the his closet, he carefully selected one of his many spooky black cloaks.

"Sidious, you ole dog! You're looking smoother everyday!" He whisked out the cloak and settled it over his shoulders, concealing his frail body. The whole time his chin flaps danced back and forth, celebrating with him. Sighing with content, Sidious allowed himself the pleasure of running hid slender, narled fingers over his face. Turning on his heel, he practically glided over to his door. He always liked to show Lord Vader the improvements in his complection. Just then he sensed his Sith Lord in the docking bay. Dealing out punishment, perhaps? The Force is rarely wrong...

In the bay, cleaning droids scuttled about trying to clean the graffiti off the ships and walls. Darth Vader and the Storm Troopers laughed like drunken Wookies as they sprayed more paint out onto Emperor Sidious' ship. Purple and red paint stained Vader's sleek, metal body as he stooped down to finish his poorly done picture of Sidious.

"Cooo...Hahahaha! Cooo...!" Darth Vader placed his hands on his belly and leaned back as he laughed. Pointing at the picture he'd just made of Sidious saying "blah blah blah! I use the force! Look at my skin!" The troopers laughed as well and for the hellahvit one kicked a cleaning droid. Those damn droids...

"What's going on here!"

Everyong dropped their spray cans and frooze. Including Vader. Emperor Sidious floated over to them and looked around at the mess.

"VADER? WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME!"

"WAAAHHHHH!"

Hohoho! I hate "I Love Lucy"


	4. Episode 3

Oh here we go! Another chapter to tickle your pickle...Yes... Good, good!

The Life and Times of Darth Vader

Episode 3: Revenge of the Kit Kat Bar

"How could you undermind my authority like this, Vader!" Sidious waggled a dangerously flabby finger at the black masked perpitrator.

"And you too!" He turned on the Storm Troopers who were looking down at their feet abashed. With hands clasped tightly behind their backs, a couple rubbed the back of their ankle with their foot. All were greatly ashamed with their behavior.

Emperor Sidious continued to scold them until they looked as though they may cry. Vader made a few weezy sniffles.

"Awww, shucks...Gimme a break," Darth Vader groaned.

Just then, a man poked his head out from inside a trash can, "Did he say..."

"Gimme a break!" Another man finished the sentance as he slide out of an air duct.

A catchy theme song started up and Sidious looked about to find the source of the music. Technicians slipped out from under Tai Fighters, pilots began to do back flips out of their ships, worker drones buzzed around in circles excitedly and all were assembling behind Darth Vader to do a choriographed dance no doubt. The music spead up slighty as every personnel and droid finished gathering in front of Emperor Sidious.

"GIMME A BREAK! GIMME A BREAK!" Jump suit clad workers did flips and cartwheels in front of the large...mob? Everyone not doing acrobats or spinning in tight circles was snapping their fingers as they moved as one fluid entity. Darth Vader in the very front. Leading the persession.

The dancers did various kicks and spins in unisom, matching the beat of the Kit Kat bar song. Vader commenced to do what we all wish we could see, the robot.

"BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT KIT KAT BAR!"

Still snapping their fingers to the rythem they all closed in on Sidious, stopping low. swaying their hips back and forth. The humanoid droids did the can-can in the back and all the other droids threw up sparks into the air as they continued their dizzying spin. Much leaping and flipping insued.

"GATTA HAVE A PIECE OF THAT KIT KAT BAR!"

Finally the song ended with all the people on one knee, hands resting on their other knee. They all held out a Kit Kat bar in Sidious' directing. With chests heaving and sweat beading on their foreheads, they smiled ear to ear.

Confused and angry, Sidious used force lightening on the closest person, burning him to a smoking crisp. He then turned around abruptly, cloak swirling about him in a very evil Sith like way, a glided out.

Later...

"Oh, Waffles! Time for a walky!" Clipping on a leash to Waffles, purple collar, Vader lead him out the door of his room. The clicking of Waffles nails on the hard floor was matched with Darth Vader's steady breathing.

Laughing merrily, he came upon Sidious and his friend, the Yorkie. The joyous walk came to and end. The two Sith stared at each other hottly. The Shitzu and the Yorkie growled angrly.

"Ho ho! I see your walking that rug!" Sidious scoffed. His eyes a-twinkle.

Choking down a an angry retort, Vader instead replied, "Oh, Waffles...do you smell something strange? It might be the awful reek of a mangy mutt having rolled in it's own defication..." He giggled at Sidious.

Turning red in the face, Sidious looked down at his fluffy Yorkie, sighing with love.

"I don't suppose you've seen any dogs around here that don't eat their own vomit and drink from the toilet bowl? Hmm, Mr. Buckles?" He tugged lightly on Mr. Buckles leash and the pooch replied with a hearty "yip" and the wag of his tail.

For a few more second they glowered at each other. The two miniture dogs bared their teeth, sensing their masters' rage.

Then both Master and apprentice spun around quickly and dragged their dogs off in the opposite directions of each other.


End file.
